Tag Archives: boyfriend

Attachment

This morning I did an analytic meditation on attachment. Our fancy phone, our partner, our lifestyle and many other objects, people and ideas can be sources.

I’ve often had disappointment in love and today I realised why. Previously I have projected desired good qualities onto a boyfriend and then expected him to behave in a way that I would. Just because I am chatty and physically affectionate I sometimes expect a partner to be as well. We often expect a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, husband to be like us. For example we might plan a big surprise party when they prefer the company of a few good friends. We need to appreciate differences in personality of those we are close to. It’s also important to recognise the difference between love and attachment, because often they feel like the same thing.

Attachment makes us behave in a way which often runs contrary to who we really are and destroys our peace of mind. We might be clingy or bombard someone with texts, thinking that the more we contact them, the more likely they are to answer. Of course the opposite is true. We develop unrealistic expectations of those we love, expecting them  to always be there and make us happy. Our mood can go up and down depending on what’s happening in our relationships. We might feel hurt by a partner’s behaviour when in fact we just need to understand. It always helps to try and see things from their perspective.

Perhaps we get into dysfunctional relationships because we don’t want to be alone, because we’re in love with the idea of love or because we try to fool ourselves that we are compatible when we are not.

We may plan our days around our partners. But really we should get on with our own lives, our own independent journey. If they want to join us then that’s great but if they don’t, don’t lose sight of who you are and what you want to achieve. Only you can shape your future.

YouCanDoIt

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A Derbyshire Gondola – Speedwell Cavern

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Yesterday was the anniversary of our first date. We both had the day off and wanted to do something special. We still had a ticket for an underground boat journey into Speedwell Cavern, above the village of Castleton in Derbyshire.

I enjoyed the novelty of putting on a hard hat and then we descended several hundred metres down stone steps clinging on to the railing for dear life. One stumble and there would be quite a fall.

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We finally got to the bottom where our guide was waiting. There was just an elderly couple and us so it was a nice private tour. We were given a safety briefing by the energetic spritely man before we set off, lying 005 back to avoid hitting our heads as the miner’s tunnel closed in around us. People had first blasted the cave in the 1700s, hacking into seams of lead and hiding in hollowed-out side spaces as the dynamite spewed dust into the air, which was only made breathable by a young boy operating bellows.

The tour went on in this vein as our guide alternately used the boat’s engine, his feet and his hands to steer us through the passageway, with our little vessel bumping into the sides. Halfway along there was a passing point and I made full use of the opportunity to take photos, perhaps a little too much as I quickly became obcessed with getting the perfect shot rather than immersing myself in the experience. Apart from the click of my camera shutter, there was just the sound of water dripping from our shiny Hobbit hole ceiling when our guide paused. The lights rippled in the murky channel.

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We reached the natural cave much further down. When we got off it was pitch black, with just the hollows above us 026illuminated in an ethereal light. Then the main lights were switched on and we marvelled at the sight. It is difficult to describe in words.

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The limestone above us had been hollowed out over thousands of years by water and ice. On the other side of the cavern was a steep drop, with an artificial stream spraying down the side into a pool below, known as the “Bottomless Pit”. High up on the same side were round white stalactites resembling mammoth tusks inching down. On our right a watery tunnel stretched off for another 3 000 metres. The lights were switched off again, plunging us back into pitch black darkness as we returned to the boat.

I had not done any exercise since my city 10k due to illness, so I struggled to climb the hill of stairs on the way out. My legs felt as heavy as the lead the miners had extracted.

I really enjoyed the experience, it had been a lovely way to spend the day whilst celebrating a year since we met.

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Selfishness

Last night...

Last night…

I was woken this morning by the sound of the toilet flushing, then a door banging. Just as I settled back to sleep the neighbour started up with his pneumatic drill of a water pump, hosing down his car and then presumably the drive for about half an hour. Even when both are clean he continues, enjoying the sense of power and the manly whirring noise as he revs it. Like a big boys’ version of a trial bike and he has a motorbike as well. Then mum rubbed it in about how she watched my friend and I waiting for a bus when she could see one waiting up the road. We waited for 15 minutes before we walked to the bus stop down the road and waited another half an hour until one finally came and this was with two services. It was 20 minutes late, no explanation given.

Apparently a bus driver actually said this on a forum! http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=80803098

We could make a real difference just by thinking of others more. Of course I am prone to selfishness too, it’s all too easy to be thoughtless and self-absorbed. But when I put myself in the other person’s shoes I find myself changing my behaviour for the better, becoming more thoughtful and sensitive.  I think the opposite of selfishness is generosity such as sharing, taking our focus off the “I”. Last night a guy gave my friend and I free drinks from his bucket for example. I’m a believer in the “pay it forward” movement – it’s the little things in life that make a big difference. Sometimes though, a grand gesture is much appreciated – I was so grateful to my boyfriend yesterday when he picked up ear plugs on his shopping trip and drove them round, I enjoyed a night out without whistling ears, and my friend selflessly sat with me every time I had sore feet at the rave. Judging is selfish. When we measure up others we compare them to ourselves. But we’re all unique, we all have individual stories and often, the person making assumptions knows little or nothing about that person. So next time you find yourself thinking you know a book by its cover think again. First impressions count for a lot but they are not everything. People have so many sides to their character that they can often surprise us.

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Valentines Day – will you celebrate it?

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As if you needed reminding, it’s Valentines Day next week. Dreading it? Looking forward to it?

There are different types of Valentines people

The “Commercial Rip-Off” person images (2)

This person would rather not celebrate Valentines at all, and sees all the hype as something created by Hallmark and emphasised by companies wanting to sell heart-related products.

The anti-Valentines person 

This can be due to a variety of reasons. One person may be disgusted at how this day becomes all about couples disgustingly flaunting their sloppy smooches and togetherness. Or they just want to celebrate being single/observe Singles Awareness Day. The person in a relationship doesn’t see why they need a particular day to celebrate it, and sit in a restaurant with lots of other couples to compare themselves with, or have their special day made less special by everyone else celebrating it with them, and not very privately either.

Copyright maddabling.blogspot.com

Copyright maddabling.blogspot.com

Hopeless Romantic(3)The Hopeless Romantic person

This person bought their partner’s gift box in January and is crossing off the days on their calendar. Or they order an exceedingly luxurious gift/outrageously big bunch of flowers – (aka Ross to Rachel in Friends). They may plan the whole evening and create the perfect setting complete with rose petals and candles. They may tell their partner they love them for the first time, just because they have an excuse.

The singleton may increase their online dating activity or go speed dating on the off-chance of finding love for Valentines. They may even message random good looking people in the hope that it may lead to something. They may post a card to someone they admire, or make a big gesture, such as shaving their chest hair into a heart.

The Conditional person

This person will celebrate Valentines with someone if they get something in return. valentines_day_sex-12562

The All-Encompassing person

This person involves friends and family in their Valentines cards/gifts, They don’t see why only people in relationships should celebrate it, or they believe that love in general should be celebrated and not just romantic love.

The Peer-Pressured person

This person feels the need to hook up with/go on a date with someone because everyone else seems to be doing something and they therefore feel they should.

The Last-Minute person

This person forgot all about it until they heard people at work discuss it/drove home/got home/got home and realised their partner was going to make the evening uncomfortable and impulse-bought.

The “Test” person

This person sees Valentines as a day where their partner will pass or fail them, and tries to find out what their ideal gift is and then deliver what their partner is expecting (if it’s in order to get top marks and therefore results see Conditional person). images (1)

The Apathetic person

This person doesn’t get caught up in the hype – it’s just another day.

Which are you? Or is there a category that needs adding?

Reader suggestions…

The Unconventional person

These people don’t see why they need to be told how to celebrate. They celebrate in any way they want. E.g. scaring themselves silly with a horror film and leaping into each others laps for “comfort”

The Self-Love person

This person takes the time to love who they are on Valentines. They may spend time loving others all year and forget about themselves. My mum falls into this category, and she always treats herself to something. This can also be people whose partners are away.

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